I was driving home from nannying the other night, listening to Geographer, and it was the sounds and dynamics, and the way it was moving me forward… I went through the motions of driving, but my mind was other places. I was acutely aware of the passage of time in that moment, and the not so unusual questions of life moved through my mind. I sometimes feel surprised that we’re living in Los Angeles, and that I’m a student again. None of this could have been envisaged five years ago, as it’s so very far outside of what would have seemed possible.
Over Christmas break, my dad asked Nate and me what we thought about our first five years of marriage- the good and bad, the revelations, expectations- unmet or otherwise. And we both responded with these same thoughts- surprising. We’ve moved a lot, changed a lot, and done a lot of unexpected things (that sometimes make me insecure, and sometimes make me proud).
I remember telling a friend five years ago that I disliked the process of life. That I wanted to find answers and “just arrive already” at the right job, a sense of identity, a clear passion to pursue. Five years later, and I find myself now keen on the process, which is a very good thing, since life is the process. Letting go of all this arrival conversation has given me freedom- to let go of the anxieties of missing something or wasting time, or failing. All that.
Whereas 2011 gave us a bit of reprieve from the previous year of illness and transition, 2012 fills me with a strong sense of unknowns. And that is okay. After a long conversation with Allison last week, I felt able to let go of some things I’ve held onto for a long time, and further lean into being adaptable to wherever life and God might take us. I’m excited and resolved at this fresh start.